I am in a season that is new for me. I have never been in this kind of season since falling in love with Jesus. I have been spoiled. I have always been able to just wake up, roll onto the floor, close my eyes, open my heart and call on His Name and my beautiful friend Jesus just walks right in the room and pours out liquid fiery love that I can feel dripping all over me. It’s been that easy. He shows me wonderful and beautiful visions of Himself and His heart and its lovely and mushy and amazing and I always go back for more. Yeah… things aren’t like that right now.
I am in a season where my life is good; probably better than it’s been in a really long time. I am not angry with God for anything (for once). At least I don’t think that I am. But I wake up every morning, roll out of my bed onto my “Jesus mat”, close my eyes, open my heart, call on His name, and… nothing… happens. I don’t see Him. I don’t feel Him. But, I know that He is there. I haven’t had any encounters or experiences lately where He gives me visions of how much He loves me or how excited He is to use me to bring His radical love into the darkest places on Earth. I just know how He feels about me, and His plans for my life. So even though it’s a bit disappointing not to feel or see anything I keep showing up for the date. I keep rolling onto that mat and closing my eyes, opening my heart, and calling on His name because I know that it’s Him that I am after. It’s not the euphoric feelings or the amazing visions and encounters. It’s Him. My bridegroom. So though we are now 4 years into this marriage and sometimes it seems that the honeymoon phase is fading, I know that He doesn’t fade. He doesn’t change. And it’s Him that I’m after, so I keep. Showing. Up.
Right now my life also feels like a really good dream. It literally seems too good to be true, especially when it comes to my work. It’s going so well. I am almost embarrassed to write about how amazing and miraculous it all is because I am afraid of sounding like I just have this awesome life and I’m just so happy all the time. I am not. Trust me. I’m still 100% your normal confused 27-year-old girl. I spend lots and lots of time sad, lonely, insecure, unsatisfied, and crying on the phone to my closest friends about it all. I spend lots of time upset over the things I don’t have instead of rejoicing in what I do. After helping to free 10 girls from sex slavery the other day I came home and cried about how much my life sucks because I can’t be in America on my birthday. Yup. That happened.
I also waste many many hours of my time waiting for the bomb to drop, waiting for it all to come to a disastrous end quickly and painfully. I am constantly just waiting to lose it all and end up with a broken heart again. Because I can honestly say that right now some of my biggest dreams, my deepest desires are being birthed right in front of my eyes. It’s one of those miraculous seasons where I ask God for a dining room table and someone randomly donates the exact amount for the table, or I ask God to use me to end the sex trade in a particular slum and a few months later I am hosting an orientation for former sex slaves in that slum whom we helped to free and their parents (many of whom are also their former pimps). It’s nothing short of miraculous. Nothing short of 100% God.
I went to South Africa to visit one of my best friends a couple of weeks ago and while I was there I read an amazing book by Brennan Manning. I can’t remember the name of the book and I refuse to Google it right now because my internet is sucking today, but it was about how crazy in love God is with us just as we are and not as we should be. It wrecked me for Him all over again. As I was reading the book one phrase stuck with me. I read it and it gutted me right in the heart
“In the presence of the King don’t ask for small gifts” which can also be translated to “In the presence of the King ask for big gifts”
God used that phrase to speak to me about the way I pray and what I pray for, and I believe that this has made space for the new season that I am in. Before I was always afraid to ask God for “big gifts”. I could ask Him for big things when it comes to others. It’s easy for me to ask Him to rescue children, feed the hungry, stop war, or end the sex trade. But when it comes to personal things I always felt silly and selfish asking for what I want so I’d just “humbly” ask for the small things. Well, since reading that phrase I’ve been challenged to ask Him for King sized gifts and I want to challenge you to do the same. I believe that this makes space for our biggest dreams to come true. The King is not poor. He doesn’t lack anything. There is enough to go around! These gifts of course aren’t always tangible. I’m not just talking about “stuff”. I am talking about our God-given desires. What if we started behaving like the sons and daughters of the Most High King that many of us believe that we are? I think it would radically change our prayers and in turn radically change our lives. I believe it may be the entranceway for our dreams coming true. What if we really have not because we ask not? What if it’s all found in the asking?
In the presence of the King don’t ask for small gifts. What is your deepest desire? What big gifts are you going to be asking for?