I just listened to a talk on reaching for your mediocrity instead of trying to be the best. It also talked about not letting your dreams ruin your life. I know, it sounds depressing. But it was actually a really freeing experience for me. For the past 5 years I have been striving so hard for greatness, to achieve my dreams- even at the cost of my own health and relationships. We are at a hard time in Art and Abolition (my non-profit that I have given my life to). We have been through hard times many times before but I always push through and work really hard to keep us going. The issue is money. The issue is alway money. Raising 11 children (soon to be 22) is not cheap. School is expensive. Housing is expensive. Therapy is expensive and the list goes on. Because I love my girls so much usually I always figure out a way to hustle and provide for them. But here is the thing…. I’m tired. There is no money for next month and I just don’t have the energy to hustle and raise the $4,000. I’m exhausted. Doing that every month for several years is exhausting. I’m sure all the single moms understand. It’s literally driven me crazy.
So, i’ve decided that I am letting go. I am not going to toss and turn all night trying to figure out a way to raise $4,000 in less than a week. I’m not going to beg everyone I know to help. I am not going to spend night and day praying to God to please come through. I am just going to do what I am supposed to be doing: resting. If this is God’s work, then God will provide for it without me striving so hard this month. I’m supposed to be on sabbatical for 6 months, but regardless these problems are always brought to me and I am expected to fix them. There’s a certain fire I normally have that this last bought with psychosis and depression just snuffed out and the only way for me to get that fire back is to take an actual break.
So I’m going to try it. My kids may lose their home because of this, some kids may get kicked out of school because their fees haven’t been paid, staff may have to be laid off, but I’m preparing myself for any of it. I can’t kill myself trying to keep Art and Abolition going. Maybe this is the month it all comes tumbling down…. maybe not. Either way, I am letting go and trusting God to sustain me through either situation.